An array of choices put in place to help you.

“Deciding to leave my abusive relationship was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do”, Kay Roberts, survivor of domestic violence.  Making this decision is very tough, but it can also be very empowering.  For some, leaving can feel like a death or even a failure.  Unfortunately, leaving is sometimes your only option for safety, and possibly rebuilding your family.  You will find obstacles along the way, but will find the strength to move forward.  Remember, we are here to help!

Taking time to plan your exit it very important.  Here are some suggestions:

• Tell no one you are leaving, specifically your abuser, or someone who may tell others you are leaving.  Do not pack up items that will be noticed by your abuser.
• Contact your local domestic violence agency/shelter, to help come up with a personalized safety plan.
• Save any amount of money you can stash away.  Keep this hidden someplace safe, open a separate banking account (with an alternative address) or keep the money with a trusted friend/family member.
• Begin looking at housing options, perhaps even contacting shelters to make arrangements.  You may even qualify for housing assistance.  Be prepared to be gone a while, perhaps indefinitely, as your partner is going to need more than a few months to change his/her values and beliefs.
• If possible, consider getting a part-time job.
• Contact our local Department of Job and Family Services to see what, if any, assistance you may qualify for.
• Consider packing a small emergency bag with needed items, just in case you are not able to leave on your anticipated date.  Consider keeping this emergency pack at a friend, or family member’s home.  Items you may want to include:
  • Birth Certificates, Identification and Social Security Cards
  • Evidence of abuse, such as medical records, reports, pictures, logs or diaries.
  • Mortgage or Lease Information
  • Banking Information
  • Insurance cards and important medical records-for children, history of immunization.
  • Credit cards and/or bills in your name or jointly shared.
  • Any investments, retirement information, wills, etc
  • Any personal belongings that have sentimental value, such as photos.
• Be prepared for your abuser to sabotage your efforts to leave, or suddenly change their behavior to calm and collective, perhaps even apologizing or seeking help.   The most dangerous time for a victim of domestic violence, is when s/he decides to leave.  Cars may be tampered with, they may follow you to and from places or they may use your children as a way to control your decision to leave.  Be prepared by telling others what is going on.  If possible consider changing shifts, jobs or locations.  Have coworkers, family and friends walk you to and from your car.  Supply people you work with, with a recent photo, description of your abuser’s car and a copy of your protective order, should you have one in place.
• Consider applying for a Civil Protection Order.  A CPO (Civil Protection Order) is not a criminal charge, nor are you filing any incident for criminal charges to be pressed.  You are asking for assistance in protection.  Protective orders can last up to five years, and can order the person to not contact or harm you and/or your children in any manner.  Contact your local domestic violence agency for criteria.
• Consider getting a cell phone.  Our agency provides 911 cell phones to victims of domestic, stalking and sexual violence.  Having a cell phone is another tool you can use to keep yourself a bit safer, by having the ability to call for help.
• Tell no one you are leaving, specifically your abuser, or someone who may tell others you are leaving.  Do not pack up items that will be noticed by your abuser.
• Contact your local domestic violence agency/shelter, to help come up with a personalized safety plan.
• Save any amount of money you can stash away.  Keep this hidden someplace safe, open a separate banking account (with an alternative address) or keep the money with a trusted friend/family member.
• Begin looking at housing options, perhaps even contacting shelters to make arrangements.  You may even qualify for housing assistance.  Be prepared to be gone a while, perhaps indefinitely, as your partner is going to need more than a few months to change his/her values and beliefs.
• If possible, consider getting a part-time job.
• Contact our local Department of Job and Family Services to see what, if any, assistance you may qualify for.
• Consider packing a small emergency bag with needed items, just in case you are not able to leave on your anticipated date.  Consider keeping this emergency pack at a friend, or family member’s home.  Items you may want to include:
  • Birth Certificates, Identification and Social Security Cards
  • Evidence of abuse, such as medical records, reports, pictures, logs or diaries.
  • Mortgage or Lease Information
  • Banking Information
  • Insurance cards and important medical records-for children, history of immunization.
  • Credit cards and/or bills in your name or jointly shared.
  • Any investments, retirement information, wills, etc
  • Any personal belongings that have sentimental value, such as photos.
• Be prepared for your abuser to sabotage your efforts to leave, or suddenly change their behavior to calm and collective, perhaps even apologizing or seeking help.   The most dangerous time for a victim of domestic violence, is when s/he decides to leave.  Cars may be tampered with, they may follow you to and from places or they may use your children as a way to control your decision to leave.  Be prepared by telling others what is going on.  If possible consider changing shifts, jobs or locations.  Have coworkers, family and friends walk you to and from your car.  Supply people you work with, with a recent photo, description of your abuser’s car and a copy of your protective order, should you have one in place.
• Consider applying for a Civil Protection Order.  A CPO (Civil Protection Order) is not a criminal charge, nor are you filing any incident for criminal charges to be pressed.  You are asking for assistance in protection.  Protective orders can last up to five years, and can order the person to not contact or harm you and/or your children in any manner.  Contact your local domestic violence agency for criteria.
• Consider getting a cell phone.  Our agency provides 911 cell phones to victims of domestic, stalking and sexual violence.  Having a cell phone is another tool you can use to keep yourself a bit safer, by having the ability to call for help.
• Be cautious of those who tell you to “give it one more chance”.  If someone makes this statement, they have no idea how much danger you or your children are in.  People have different reasons for wanting you to stay.  For families sometimes its religious beliefs, or the belief that your leaving will reflect badly upon them.  For others, they may believe that children need two parents, regardless of just how violent home life is for your children.  Remember, abuse is often generational, and children imitate behavior they witness in the home.  Be prepared for some former supporters to now question or attempt to guilt you into staying.  Only you know just how dangerous and unhealthy the situation truly is.
• Expect your feelings to swing back and forth on your decision.  Mourning the end or change of your relationship is very normal.  Try to be honest with yourself when you find you are walking down memory lane, or wishing for what could have been.  Be prepared for your abuser to recover or change suddenly.  In reality, it takes time for any one to change their behavior, beliefs and values.  You may get presents, see tears and get heart-felt apologies, but until you see true accountability for their past and current actions, be very cautious. 
• Consider waiting a year or two before starting a new relationship.  Depending on how long you were in an abusive relationship, you will need time to mourn and heal.  Often people will try to numb their pain of ending a relationship, by diving into a new one, or even with casual sex, alcohol or drugs.  Joining a local support group, seeing a therapist, or diving into a new hobby, are great alternatives. 
• If you have children, consider getting them involved with local youth groups through your domestic violence agency, as well as seeing a counselor.  The effects of separation, divorce and witnessing abuse, or being abused as well, have long-reaching effects on children, and should not be underestimated.  You are helping to end the cycle of abuse!

You are never alone, we are here to help!

• Expect your feelings to swing back and forth on your decision.  Mourning the end or change of your relationship is very normal.  Try to be honest with yourself when you find you are walking down memory lane, or wishing for what could have been.  Be prepared for your abuser to recover or change suddenly.  In reality, it takes time for any one to change their behavior, beliefs and values.  You may get presents, see tears and get heart-felt apologies, but until you see true accountability for their past and current actions, be very cautious. 
• Consider waiting a year or two before starting a new relationship.  Depending on how long you were in an abusive relationship, you will need time to mourn and heal.  Often people will try to numb their pain of ending a relationship, by diving into a new one, or even with casual sex, alcohol or drugs.  Joining a local support group, seeing a therapist, or diving into a new hobby, are great alternatives. 
• If you have children, consider getting them involved with local youth groups through your domestic violence agency, as well as seeing a counselor.  The effects of separation, divorce and witnessing abuse, or being abused as well, have long-reaching effects on children, and should not be underestimated.  You are helping to end the cycle of abuse!

You are never alone, we are here to help!